There are days, lots of days, when I get such a sick feeling in the pit of my tummy, I just want to cry.
There are days when I feel so sad and lost and I don’t remember how I got here. But I want to go home. And then I realize … I AM home. Darn.
There are moments when it’s all SO OVERWHELMING I don’t even know where to begin. The way my living room looks at the end of the day? Very similar to how my emotions are these days. And GAH where do I start putting away all this crap? And why bother when it’s just going to get strewn about again tomorrow.
There are times when I feel so undervalued and underappreciated … when I feel so ugly and fat … when I feel embarassed just to be me … when I think what is the point to all this anyway? Stupid and small, that’s how I feel.
I’ve always been prone to depression. My mom is probably bipolar and it never fails to make me crazy, trying to make her happy. Trying to keep her on an even keel. I know it’s not my job. But it doesn’t stop me from trying.
I’m very good at ignoring problems until they go away. But there are some problems that are willing to wait, ready to pounce with their stinking, hot breath, and their sharp, venomous claws.
Sometimes I think I want to be someone else, like this wasn’t the life I was supposed to live. Sometimes I think it would be such a relief to get out of this skin and try on someone else’s for a change. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And that everyone hides hurt. No one is safe from worry.
I’ll be ok. Not today. But maybe tomorrow.
June 16, 2008 at 6:08 am
*HUG*
June 16, 2008 at 6:34 am
*hug* As someone who constantly struggles with depression, I can completely relate.
June 16, 2008 at 6:46 am
Hoo boy. I get this. Especially the “I want to go home” thing. I think that ALL THE TIME. I don’t know what I mean by it.
June 16, 2008 at 7:37 am
You are not alone. ((hugs))
June 16, 2008 at 8:00 am
Totally get this. Depression runs in my family, I’ve been diagnosed and treated in the past, and I can feel it coming from a mile away. Track it. If you are noticing it being cyclical, when is it? For a long time before my last pregnancy, I would go into horrible depression for about 5 days right around when I ovulated. I was treated with Prozac (they called it Serafem, but it’s just another brand name for Prozac), and I only had to take it for a few days when I felt it coming on. The whole thing about needing to be on it for a long time before it starts working is bunk. Hope you feel better soon!
June 16, 2008 at 8:19 am
You are DEFINITELY not alone in this. I too suffer from depression, and I sometimes wonder if I would feel this way (lost, blah, wanting to be somewhere else) without the depression. Sometimes it’s a struggle to deal with myself.
Take a break. See a doctor. Try some meds. Try not to overwhelm yourself with things that don’t matter right now. I am so sorry! I hope you feel better. -hug-
June 16, 2008 at 10:59 am
Hugs from me too.
I am having that type of week too.
June 16, 2008 at 11:23 am
boy oh boy, do i feel you on this. especially considering how many times i used the word “drowny” to describe how i was feeling today, too ;-P
*mutual hugs for both of us*
June 16, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Sweetie, I feel for you and totally empathize. I am assuming you have been treated for this in the past, maybe? If not, do something good for YOU, because YOU deserve it and get to the doc to make yourself better.
I will pray for you.
June 16, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Oh you poor sweet thing. I am right there with ya. Just got back from the med doctor an hour ago. Nothing to be ashamed of.
June 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Sigh… my days like this are few and far between, and it doesn’t make them suck any less hard.
Here’s to hanging on till tomorrow. And hugs. And happy thoughts.
June 16, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I can totally relate. Sending you good thoughts and lots of hugs!
June 16, 2008 at 1:19 pm
… and why do I keep getting the comment icon that has a little yellow hard-on? Is your blog just happy to get comments from your truly, or is that a flashlight in it’s pocket?
June 16, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I do this too. And if I were the type of person to type you a hug, I would
June 16, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I know how it feels. I’m awful without my meds, and some days even with them! Little kids don’t say things like “Mom, I really appreciate all you do for me.” Even big kids don’t say that.
And even now, I sometimes think, why clean this toilet when I’m not the one who pee’d all over it?!?
*sigh*
Hang in there. Go for a walk. And let PK know you need some reassurance that what you are doing for your family is worthwhile…because it IS.
{{HUGS}}
June 16, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I’d throw you a life saver, but I’m already using it. Some days I’m barely afloat, too. I give myself permission to go to bed with dishes in the sink and toys on the floor. There is only so much I can do. There is only so much sanity I can cough up on some days. There is no paycheck associated with what I do, no Christmas bonus, no 401k, no annual review. And realizing that it may be another 30 years before my kids actually understand what it is I’ve given up for them, doesn’t help. And that’s just the parenting portion of my insanity; there’s also the insanity that comes along with just being me.
{{hugs}} to you!
June 16, 2008 at 4:19 pm
You’re in my head again. I can think of better places to be! I’ve tried to go med free for the past several months. I can’t. I’m running back to the doctor next week, begging for another script.
I hope you figure out what works for you and that you feel better soon.
June 16, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Oh, god, YES. To this entire post.
Thanks for saying it all.
June 16, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Oh, honey, many hugs sent your way! I get that way alot it seems. Too many kids pulling me too many ways. All will be well, just have faith!
June 16, 2008 at 6:46 pm
All I can say is HANG IN THERE. I was at my darkest when I had little girls – a newborn and an 18 month old.. and no help other than an unavailable, but supportive, work-alholic husband.
These feelings are normal. You are normal.
June 16, 2008 at 6:57 pm
ah honey. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
hugs. Lots and lots of them.
June 16, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Some days you just gotta give yourself a freaking medal for plowing through the height of suckiosity.
I bestow upon you the first “I sucked up the suckiosity” award. Now I have to go make it.
June 16, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I feel like this so often. Just ten minutes ago I was wishing that I was some random girl on a bike that was stopped at a red light. Then we both drove away to our lives.
June 17, 2008 at 4:32 am
Interesting that you said that you know the grass isn’t ALWAYS greener on the other side. Did you realize that you were doing that? Still allowing for the grass to be greener sometimes? And it is sometimes, I suppose, but then those same greener people sink down, down, down, and burble up their almost-last ghost for a time, too. Sometimes I drown on my front room’s carpet right there in front of everyone and I wonder why no one notices my bug eyes and throws me a fricken line. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you and I hope that you’re nice and dry and happy today. To hell with the mess!
June 17, 2008 at 5:08 am
I meant to write yesterday but I didn’t have time. I totally feel for you and understand. I don’t think depression runs in our family but for years, way back in my deepest recesses, I have always had an “I just don’t care” feeling. It has receded a little now, with the baby in my life who means more to me than I could have ever imagined. But sometimes… sometimes…
I just keep telling myself – tomorrow is a new day, a better day. It works!