Dash is formula fed.
Y’all know how hard I worked to get breastfeeding established in the beginning. And I never could make enough to keep up with his voracious appetite. (Did the NICU do that to him? Sometimes I think it would be easy to blame that on them, but they have their own standards and maybe I wasn’t as diligent about it as I could’ve been.) I mean, I was lazy about getting up in the middle of the night to pump. And although I pumped at work for 3 months, one day I forgot to bring my pump and then that was really the end of that.
It became “easier” to just give him bottles all the time. He liked them … he began enjoying the breast, but they would empty WAY before he was done. And then he began spitting up cheesy chunks after nursing … something he never did after a bottle.
But I have a lot of problems with it still. Basically, I judge myself … for not trying hard enough. For not caring enough. He’s a second baby. I know it doesn’t REALLY matter … and yet it does. I think, would breastmilk be better for him? For his hurt little brain?
I find I am missing that close connection with him that breastfeeding gives. And yet, he sleeps 8 and 9 hour stretches at night … I have to credit formula with some of that. When we were breastfeeding, it was every 3 hours. And I value my sleep.
And then … we give generic formula. Oh, I KNOW … it’s all the same, right? It has to be, legally. Right? But yet, I can’t help but feel that again I’m somehow shortchanging him somehow … that the name brand formula would somehow aid his brain development in a way that the generic cannot. Silly intellectually … not so silly in my mamaheart.
Here’s another thing … my mom lives with us, right? So she has a LOT of interaction with him. And sometimes? I think that he thinks SHE is his mother. Sometimes I think he likes her better.
I need a nap.
and maybe a cookie.
I need to get over it.
I know how blessed I am to have my mom here, helping. I WANTED THIS. I wanted her here. I LOVE her relationship with the boys. And yet, I can’t help but feel a little jealous when she tells me Dash gives her big belly laughs when I don’t get them. (I don’t feel the same jealousy in regards to her relationship with G. I know I’m #1 on his list. There is no question.)
meh. I’ll get over it. I just … needed to get all that poison out of my head. Because it swims ’round and ’round as I’m trying to fall asleep at night. And then I wake up and my neck hurts and my dreams are filled with people chasing me. Basically, I’m a mess.
July 16, 2009 at 5:07 am
Sprog was bottle fed nearly his entire little life, after the initial breakdown (I am supposed to be able to feed my own child from my body, sob, wail, flounce about) I tried to focus on the fact that he was healthy and HAPPY and what more could I really ask for?
I wish that I had the closeness that people talk about with breastfeeding but when we were trying, he was upset, I was upset, the whole house was upset and when I gave up and gave in to the bottle? Everything was just smoother. *shrug* We have a closeness now that most teenagers and their parents don’t have so would I trade that for the closeness then? Nope, not even for a second.
I do remember it though, that time, those feelings. Being a mom is hard in the light of expectations.
July 16, 2009 at 6:30 am
The formula thing won’t be a big deal in a few years. When Dash is G’s age you’ll look back and it won’t matter if he was on breast or formula, brand or generic. My kids are formula kids and they are the smartest, cutest kids in the world.
We used the cheapest formula we could kind for Grace (BJs $19 for 2 big containers). And we switched her to milk a little early. She’s right on track developmentally.
July 16, 2009 at 6:40 am
Oh man, don’t beat your self up on the breastfeeding. I had two 11 pounds + babies who are now very big/tall teens and they had formula from the beginning and got the most economical. They are healthy kids. I had to work outside the home for my oldest and my mother-in-law babysat. It sucked to say it best….I would call her and check on the baby and hear him cooing on the other end and she would tell me things like your saying…..HOWEVER, it is a mental thing….your baby bonds with you and you are his mommy. He simply enjoys grandma =)
July 16, 2009 at 8:17 am
I had guilt when I wasn’t able to breastfeed too. I think it’s great that you want the best for your baby, but just try to remember that you love him more than life itself and you’d never let anything/anyone hurt him. That’s a big thing that we don’t give ourselves credit for. Trust me, I work in a pediatric hospital where I see “parents” who yell at their kids for being kids, who prefer that a nurse change the diapers and comfort the child instead of themselves, etc. I see abused kids, ignored kids, and unhappy kids. Dash knows you are mommy and you ARE #1 to him, he just can’t say it yet.
July 16, 2009 at 8:57 am
It’s so frustrating to feel this way. No matter how rational you are when it comes to KNOWING that you did the best you could, that you made the right decision for the circumstances, that your child is and will continue to be fine… the FEELINGS. They are inescapable!
July 16, 2009 at 10:53 am
every mom i know feels wretched if they give their baby any formula, and yet no kid i know so far seems to have been adversely affected by it at all. i’m sure that doesn’t actually help the guilt any right now, but you just have to do what works for YOU GUYS. dash looks awfully healthy and happy to me
July 16, 2009 at 12:16 pm
((hugs))
July 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Damn Moo, you are a mess. But by your asking those questions it proves that you are an awesome mom. There is nothing that you said you have done or felt that doesn’t sound 100% normal. We had problems on our first daughter breast feeding, even with the help of a lactation consultant (our friend from church). Sometimes it is just how your body works. With regard to sleep, really, who wants a grumpy mommy, you are doing everyone a favor by sleeping. Formula is formula, and when you feed him you are bonding. As a dad that is all I got to do and my girls love me.
I hope that you come to see that you are doing just fine.
July 17, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’ve got nothing to add to the already great advice.
You are doing great, Moo, really you are! Those questions are NORMAL and the fact you are asking them and fretting over them simply means that you are doing your very darndest to be the best mama you can possibly be. The thing is, we all know you are. Your KIDS know you are. So rest easier tonight and just enjoy those babies of yours.